To choose one moment of gratitude would be
impossible for me. I have been blessed my entire life and as I grow older I am
realizing this. Living life with a chronic illness (Cystic Fibrosis) there are
many ups and downs. Typically we tend to focus on the negatives; it’s human
nature to do so. So whenever I would fall ill, lose weight, have a drop in lung
function or a hospital stay I would always ask the question, ‘why me?’ I don’t
deserve this. I did nothing wrong. I take all my meds, I do all my treatments.
Why can’t my body just act like a normal body and be healthy if I take care of
it?
Being told at the age of 17 that I had
entered into “end stage lung function” left me in a downward spiral of my life
falling apart in front of me with nothing I could do about it. I spent a few
months in denial and attempted to go away to university like everyone else my
age, but I could only fool myself, my family, my friends and my doctors for so
long. I was hospitalized and told that I had to drop out of school. This news
hit me almost as hard as being told I was at the end stage of my disease. This
made everything real. I was no longer able to blend in with the crowd as a
normal person. My disease was taking over my body and my life with nothing I
could do to stop it.
This is where my moment of gratitude comes
in. Over the next year and a half I became so ill that I couldn’t get out of
bed without being exhausted, let alone do any normal day-to-day activities like
showering, walking down a flight of stairs or socializing with friends. I
started to shut myself off from the world. I became a machine. I woke up,
forced food into me to hopefully maintain some weight, did treatments, took
meds and went back to bed. This was my life on repeat now.
As my body was failing me, Doctors were
working to get me healthy enough to present my case to the Organ Transplant
Committee so that I could list for new lungs – which at this point was my only
hope of living to my 19th birthday or beyond.
First moment of gratitude: The amazing
care, dedicated hard work and companionship I observed and developed with my doctors,
nurses, respirologists, dieticians, etc. All of them made it seem as though I
was their only patient and that I was their primary focus. Their goal was to
get me the chance to receive a double lung transplant and gain a second chance
not only at a life but at a life I only ever could have imagined in my dreams.
As I continued on my journey to list for
transplant it was a few close friends, my boyfriend and my family that helped
to pull me out of my machine-like state of being. They attempted to cheer me up
whenever they could. They listened to me vent, complain, cry, yell – you name
it, they were there. They gave me the drive and the fight that I needed to
successfully list for transplant, undergo surgery and make a miraculous
recovery.
Second moment of gratitude: For everyone
who stood by my side through the darkest moments of my life. They gave me
reason to fight. They showed me that my will to survive had not gone but was
just tucked deep down inside of me. Specifically to my nephew who was 3 at the
time, who said to me “You look like Grandma Betty!” referring to my oxygen.
This shocked me as I knew that our 92 year old Grandma Betty was on her death
bed and I realized that I too was in the same position but there was no way I
was not going to be around to watch my adorable little nephew grow up. He was
the fuel that started the fire in me. My friends, family and boyfriend then
added more fuel to my fire through their everyday acts of support, kindness,
love and care. To my friends who cried with me and said “I don’t know how I
could live my life without a Tara in it.” Many have felt like they were adding
pressure onto my already crazy life, but really it gave me more motivation. The
sicker I got, the more people reached out to express how much I was needed in
their lives. They showed me how I had impacted them and I was amazed to see how
much I had done just by being a friend, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend or
even just an acquaintance at school, work or in the community.
I successfully underwent my transplant on
February 1st, 2012. And from the moment the breathing tube was
removed and I was breathing on my own I knew my life would never be the same.
As I recovered in the Toronto hospital, my small hometown of Sarnia was pulling
together to put on a fundraiser to help out my family with the costs of my new
medications, living in Toronto, driving to and from Toronto for visits and the
many other expenses of a new transplant life.
Third moment of gratitude: To the
organizers, the sponsors and everyone who participated in my fundraiser. It was
held at the local Boston Pizza as well as the one in Simcoe, my mom’s hometown.
Together they raised over $25,000 to help cover medical expenses for my family
– taking a great deal of stress off my parent’s shoulders. People I had never
met before came to support me, sent kind well wishes and were follow each step
of my journey. A special shout out to Sandy Boldt (my Momma #2), a close family
friend who took on the role of organizer for the event. Without her the
fundraiser would not have been anywhere near as much of a success.
Throughout this entire process of health
decline and then the excitement of a new life there was one person who tagged along
for the journey, unknowing of what he was getting into. That person is my
boyfriend of 3 years now. He was told on our 2nd date that I was
going for a hospital stay but not to worry as it was “no big deal, just a tune
up CF people have to do”…boy was that the biggest understatement of the year. A
person, whom I hardly knew since we had met working at Walmart decided to
become my best friend and stand by my side while my health declined. It was not
your typical relationship. I spent most of my time in hospital whether in
London or Toronto. If I was home I had hardly any energy to do anything so most
date nights consisted of putting on a movie, me falling asleep and him carrying
me up to bed at the end of the night. He sat with me while I did hours of
treatments and took endless amounts of medications. He became my rock and my
number one supporter. Therefore…
Fourth moment of gratitude: To my boyfriend
Eric. He is the sweetest, most amazing human being I have ever met. Not only
for sticking with me when he easily could have turned his back and found a
‘normal’ girl to date, but for making me feel as though there was still a
little bit of ‘normal’ in me. That I was not my disease, I was Tara. And who
are we kidding, what 20 year old boy is typically willing to do all that he did
for me when he found out on our second date that I had a chronic illness? A
very rare few, but I was lucky enough to find one and to be able to call him
mine.
And in closing as I am now just over 2 years
post-transplant, I can say that’s 758 days, 18,192 hours or 1,091,520 minutes
that I would not have lived to see if it was not for the decision that someone
made to become an organ donor, to become my hero and to save my life.
Fifth and final moment of gratitude: My
organ donor, for without them I would not be able to sit here and be thankful
for everything and everyone in my life. I would not have moments of gratitude,
but rather last moments spent with people that would now be just memories to
them. So yes, I still have days where I hate that I have CF and I hate the complications from transplant, but I also have days where I complain about not wanting to go to class or not wanting to cook a meal for myself. I can complain about normal things now. I can plan ahead for my future. I have an appreciation for each and every single day, every small moment. I enjoy feeling emotions again – even though some may say I am overly emotional – I can say with confidence that it is much better this way than it is to be feeling nothing.
So I guess if I had to choose just ONE moment of gratitude I would have to cheat a little and say that my moment is being alive to experience a life which brings moments of gratitude to me every day.
So I guess if I had to choose just ONE moment of gratitude I would have to cheat a little and say that my moment is being alive to experience a life which brings moments of gratitude to me every day.
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