MOG #98: Heroes

This post was an anonymous comment left last week. To the person who wrote this: thank you for sharing your story. Your words will, undoubtedly, touch those who can relate, reach those who cannot, and make us all feel grateful for another day to be on this earth. 

     As if starting grade nine isn’t scary enough, finding out that your dad has prostate cancer at the same time, is a nightmare. I will never forget the sinking feeling in my stomach when my dad sat me down in our family room to break the terrible news. The look in his face was almost like he was ashamed, but I knew it was simply fear. I couldn’t even react; I went straight to my room and researched everything possible on prostate cancer, only to find out that it is the leading cause of male deaths. 

       Although the cancer was caught early and my dad was able to receive the proper treatment to reduce his risks of spreading, four years later, halfway through my first year at university, the cancer returned. I remember the moment he told me. He had just picked me up for the Christmas break and we were driving back home when he said it so casually, “the cancer is back.” It was as if it were no big deal, and I know that it was his way of avoiding emotions and pretending like nothing was wrong, but to me it was the end of the world.

       You never expect to grow up fearing that one day you will lose your best friend, your hero, and the man who raised you into who you are today. You especially don’t expect to be worrying about that at the age of 14. It’s been a constant presence in my mind since the day my parents first told me, and although he now has only one doctor’s appointment standing in the way of being deemed cancer free, the fear will never fade.    

      It amazes me how positive and happy my dad has always been, despite all of the obstacles that have been thrown in his path. Even if he is scared and afraid, he never shows it. It’s as if I am the one dealing with cancer and he is the one being my support system. I am constantly shocked and inspired at the man he is and I have never been so grateful to have such a wonderful and constant presence in my life. This man has dealt with more than I could ever imagine, yet he manages to be so full of life and joy. I will forever look up to my dad and have learned never to take a day for granted because you never know what life is going to throw at you. It is these people in our lives that make the biggest difference without even realizing it, and he will be my hero forever and always.                                                        

MOG #97: Bell Let's Talk

Hi friends. Below is a series of quotes and tweets I have come across today from the Mental Health/Illness/Wellness initiative #BellLetsTalk.

The thought that started it all was this: 

"Kindness is the answer, no matter what the problem."

Let's share some kindness and concern today, wrap it up with a bow of Gratitude and share with everyone. Comment below with your tweet or quote and together let's end this stigma and create some changes. 

#BellILetsTalk about how showing your emotions is a sign of strength.

#BellLetsTalk about the friends that said they would answer the phone at 3am if I needed them, and did.

#BellLetsTaIk for those who can't anymore.

#BellLetsTaIk  about the moment I talked out loud about my problems and knew I wasn't alone.

Instead of judging people by their past, stand by them and help them repair their future.

Few things in the world are more empowering then knowing you don't have to struggle alone and you have support.
#EndTheStigma

No one should have to suffer in silence! Open up your minds and hearts to one another - end the stigma!

Don't be ashamed of your story, it will inspire others.

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change this world." - Robin Williams

You don't need to tell the world about your struggles. But you do need to tell someone.

You're not seeking attention, selfish, or weak. You're in pain. You're not alone. This is only temporary.

A lot of the closest people in my life battle mental health problems on a daily basis. They are the strongest people I know.

Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not character.

Life is full of highs and lows and we should be able to talk about the lows as much as we talk about the highs.

You don't need to battle Goliath on your own! We are beside you! Cheering for you, assisting you with tactics + caring for you.

So the retweets won't amount to dollars past midnight; those affected by mental health issues will still be tomorrow. Keep talking, because they may not be able to.

"The worst has happened, the best is next.”

Keep talking past today. A single day campaign should continue the conversation about dissolving stigmas every day.

We are all affected. Let's break down walls.

Strive to be more than just pretty. you weren’t meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky.

Keep the conversation alive so that more people feel like they're living in freedom.

Everyone is fighting a battle you can't see. Be kind to one another.

If you think physical illness trumps mental illness just remember, you can live without an arm but not without a brain.

Let's squash the elephant in the room. Don't be afraid to talk about mental illness today or any day.

Anxiety is not rude. Depression is not selfish. Eating disorders are not a choice. OCD is not crazy.

But don't worry, my ears work the other 364 days of the year too.

Don't just retweet. End your own assumptions. Read more about mental illness and end the stigma.

You are never alone. Strength lies in differences, not similarities. Keep that chatter going today.

Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear.

Falling in love with yourself first doesn't make you vain or selfish, it makes you indestructible.

The things you take for granted, someone else is praying for.

Because we're all fighters and we can all be survivors, together.

Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.

Do not mock a pain that you haven't endured.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love & affection.

For years, the stigma of being someone who had to take medication for anxiety was scarier to me than the actual anxiety.

I'm not "dramatic" I just can't always handle all of the emotions I'm trying to deal with.

Be nice to people.  Impact their lives in a positive way. You never know, it could save that life.

Even if it takes a company getting some easy publicity to make it happen, any awareness raised for mental illness is great.

#BellLetsTalk makes me smile. It's so awesome to see people raising awareness about such an important topic. Mental illness affects us all!

In memory of one of the most caring, genuine people I've ever met …

Because it's always darkest before the dawn: because you deserve to live the life you've imagined.

Because in high school, any time my friends & I would express our feelings we were "emo" or "too sensitive”.

This one is for Mrs. Black for being the most understand and accommodating teacher I've ever had.

Speak up, speak loud and speak about mental health and suicide.

Note to teachers and all caregivers: Without self care, there ain't no self to care for others!

It's through helping others that I'm able to help myself. You are not alone.


***
Thank you all for such an incredible day. Let's keep the conversation going and the good vibes rolling. 

MOG #96: Don't stop beating

I want to start this MOG with a word and definition that I feel best describes this contributor, Jessica. I shall let these beautiful words from her be yours to read...
                                           

 

May 22^nd, 2014 was the day the love of my life Aidan, passed away suddenly. Sometime around 2pm on that horrible day I’m pulled away at work to be told the grim news before his name was published in the news. A car accident. Died instantly on his way to work. This doesn’t happen to 23 year olds, nor to the people I know and hold most dear.

My parents are the first ones I call to tell and to beg for them to get me out of here. I’m working at camp, the place I met him, fell in love with him and am all of a sudden surrounded by those memories. Within hours, my step dad shows up. I don’t talk because I can’t. All I have are sobs. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t real. I felt sick. The man I was going to marry was gone. I didn’t just lose a person, I lost a part of my future.

I didn’t sleep that night, but instead lied down on the dock on the lake and looked at the stars. The stars don’t pity me. They don’t ask questions. They know, I just need peace.

I go home and my family rallies together.

If you’ve ever met my family, you know we are not touchy-feely or all that emotional with one another. “I love yous” aren’t a common thing, it’s all implied. The eight days I was home for his funeral they were there for my every need. They fed me, drove me places, comforted me. My younger sister put together a frame with pictures of Aidan and I with a poem entitled “Life Goes On”. It’s the poem my older sister sent me since she lost her husband at 23 and felt that I would appreciate it since it had helped her.

--

I’ll interrupt myself for a second here to share something really eerie. My step-dad, my older sister and I all have lost our significant others when they were 23, on a Thursday. All suddenly. All unexpected. I’m hoping this pattern is now over, as it’s now three.

--

My family stood by my side as I went to two visitations and the funeral over a two day period. They held me as I cried and were just present. I have never been so grateful for my family as I did on those days. You know your family would do anything for you, but it’s so very different when you see it in action.

Fast forward to November and I’m really struggling to find peace. Nothing helped. We had visitations, a funeral, I went and visited the crash site, we planted trees at the camp we both worked at. Nothing gave me the sense of finality that I craved. I remember Aidan’s mother making a comment telling me that if camp people were to write a book, she would read it. Challenge accepted. I started the ball rolling and got a huge response. I had it printed and gave it to his parents.

A sense of calm came over me as I handed his mother the book I put together. We both started crying because really, we just miss him. We understand each other as the two women in his life that loved him the most.

2015 is the year I stop feeling sorry for myself and create a life that I’m proud to call mine. Just because I’ve endured such a loss does not mean I will let myself dig a hole that I won’t be able to escape. Aidan would hate it and truthfully, I would hate myself in the end.

Doing something for me, his family and for the camp community really helped.

I finally found the right therapy in the happy memories that Aidan shared with all of his friends.

I’ll never stop loving him and I’ll never be able to tell my family I love them enough for what they did.
                               

I sent this song to Jess and we agreed this was the most perfect song for her new beginnings, and maybe yours too... 

Hello 2015

WOW LONG TIME NO TALK EH? 

I don’t want to say that I’m sorry for not posting for a while; I want to explain why. Now that we have all settled comfortably into 2015, my hope is that we can leave everything that 2014 taught us- good, bad, sparkly- in last year’s entries and keep moving forward.

So where I have been for the past few months? Well…

I tried yoga. I gave up on running. I went to Target far too many times. I told people about the blog; I was found through the blog. I cried about the blog because sometimes it felt like too much to do and that I was letting someone (you, him, her, me) down. I sat on the beach and cried. I crumpled on my bed and cried. I got into a car accident. I cried then, too. I got stopped by a snowstorm so I couldn’t drive to give another talk about the blog. That was the definition of discouragement.

I bought a cake and ate it in the bathtub. I met Grace Helbeig (!!!). I wrote a song. I fell in love- hard, quickly, with intention and with no doubt, only to stumble out of it later, left feeling scathed, but understanding, and more hollow than anything.

I was angry. I hated so many things about so many things. I carr(y)ied a journal with me everywhere. I was yelled at. I yelled back. I lied. I can’t even tell you how many times I said ‘deep breaths’; ‘one thing at a time’ or ‘I’mgoodhowareyou?’.

I sat on the roof of a car with a head in my lap and thought it could never get any better than that. I wrote. I erased. I traced his mouth with my own words and believed it was the right thing to do. I looked into eyes that would later look away. You don’t know distance until you share a space with someone who is falling out of love with you.

I made plans to meet a publisher. I cancelled.

I learnt the phrases ‘root down’, ‘set back’, ‘assessment’ and ‘synronicitiy’. I looked for threes all the time. I waved goodbye and hugged the good to see yous.

I stood in classrooms and presented material that I thought I could never understand. I was called by my last name. I practiced, stayed up late, was usually five to ten minutes late to commitment I made and that’s just the type of person I am. Whoops.

I drank champagne. I read old journals, essays, newspaper articles, stories, tumblr posts. I taught. I planned. I cried at school too (I cry a lot). I reached out to those I never thought I could reach again and they were right there were we left off. I listened to the same songs over so many times.

I switched schools for my final year of study, not to my likening, but it ending up being for my benefit. I moved home and spent time with my family again. I created new rituals of going to Target with one particular, beautiful, old friend; we got closer than ever. I drank so much Strawberry Rose tea that I got sick. I gained 20 pounds at one point. Stress, hibernation, not dealing with feeling.  I lost another 20 in a two-week period a few months later. Spite, sadness, letdowns and not feeling with what I was dealt.

I talked a friend down from coming off the edge- metaphorically and literally. I spent days in the arms of loved ones when I didn’t know what to do with myself. I cuddled the crap out of my nephew because he finally grew up of the hating Mary stage and into the being pals stage. I worked my butt off. I would come home from summer days and not move until 2am- zoned out on my computer, thinking that this was living felt like. I spent so much screen time and not enough time screening those I interacted with.

I thought about what it all meant: researching, feeling, thinking, absorbing… but more often than not, I was looking for dots to connect in all the wrong places.

At some point, someone told me this…

Breathe in, breathe out. Inhale, exhale. Take a breath in, hold it, hold it, hold it, exhale-and-notice-how-it-feels-to-let-go-of-the-things-that-no-longer-serve-you. Breathe in, breathe out.

I learned what it felt like to let go.

In short, when I wasn’t paying attention to the blog, I was paying attention to my choices, intentions and surroundings. I’ve mentioned this a few times, but I know that even though I’m not active here, this concept- this universal concept of Gratitude- is alive and well and beating in my own heart, and I hope it is pumping in yours as well.
I always asked for two (or more) pieces of paper when we got to draw in art or whatever. I wanted the rough copy, then the good one, but I wanted the opportunity to have both of them ready first.  I wanted the space to make mistakes and to plan and to show my work. Maybe that’s what this first year was; I was planning, and making mistakes and showing my work.

If anything, Gratitude is all about chances: the chance to recognize, the chance to recoil and the chance to reciprocate.

This is my recoil. Let’s spring together.

*  *  * 

So now that that’s over! Let’s talk about what this new year will look like! 
(You can listen to this while you read if you'd like. I prefer the Glee version but whatever floats your musical boat.) 
 

1. #GRATITUESDAY
- New posts every Tuesday, written by me OR YOU J This is a really exciting and witty thing and Tuesdays just got a whole lot cooler.

2. Blog Make-over
- Have you noticed that the official name for this place is now mymomentsofgratitude.com?! No more .blogspot.com (but I still love you, blogger!!) Thanks to our good friend Dave Birch for this incredible gift.
The rest of this place will be getting a youtube-guru worthy do-over too.Give this one time though, but I’m welcome to any and all feedback you can give! (mymomentsofgratitude@gmail.com) 

3. Authenticity and Vulnerability 
- If the words don’t flow, they will not be forced. If it’s not coming from an authentic/honest/earnest place, it will not be posted. Bam.

I shall post the first post of 2015 next week. I have it sitting in a word document right beside me, but I’m going to hold off. Can you feel the anticipation?!? It’s killing me. It’s mog-ing me. Ha, clever.

As always, thank you for reading. Please reach out and back if you have something to share. There are so many wonderful souls waiting to interact with ones like yours, I promise.                                                                 

MOG #95: Better and better

Because I'm in the midst of re-doing my website, I'm sifting through old weddings photos I've taken over the years for clients, and I seem to be having a PTL moment. (PTL =passion tea lemonade- something my friends and I reference when we're having an emotional moment haha) But seriously, I want to thank all these amazing people who have ever given me a chance at photographing for them, because it has only made me, and continues to make me a better photographer. I am actually so proud of myself in past years for having the courage to go out on a limb, take risks and photograph for people I don't know. So thank you for giving me a chance, I am so grateful ! It's because of people like you that keep small(but growing) business's like mine alive.

More from Stef: www.stefaniedaugilis.com

MOG #94: Dee

I just Aliza a few weeks ago and as soon as I did I thought, "damn, this girl has presence." Then, she did a presentation in one of our classes and completely opened up to a room full of practical strangers about her life and those who have shaped it. What struck me most about this girl was how genuine she was when she spoke; not for pity, showmanship or for a good mark, but just out of the goodness of her heart. I'm glad to know her, and I'm sure you will be too.. There are few people in this world, that make an impact and change people for the better...my cousin Deanna was one of those people.

On January 3rd 2010, my family was given news that would change our lives in many ways. My cousin Deanna (20 yrs) was diagnosed with acute Leukemia, and sadly lost her battle November 12, 2010. During her sickness, Deanna discovered a foundation called The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, which hosts an event called “Light The Night” in several major cities across Ontario. She created a team called “Dee for Dynamite” and we have been walking in her honour over the last four years. This walk helps our family commemorate the amazing life Deanna lived and the amazing things she accomplished in her life. We walk to support those families who are battling against this disease, for those we have lost, and for those who have survived. Over the past four years our team has raised over $220, 000!!! We cannot even begin to describe how proud and blessed and grateful we are to have so many amazing people helping in our fight against blood cancer.

I speak for everyone who knew Deanna when I say, she was the strongest, most caring, supportive and beautiful person you have ever met. Even when she was suffering, she always kept a smile on her face and thus our team motto is “always with a smile”. Although Dee's Leukemia diagnosis was the most devastating news of our lives, we are being honest in saying the best thing that came from it is the formation of this remarkable team. Each member of this team has helped to keep Dee alive and that is the greatest wish our family has ever had. Thank you all for taking the time and putting in the effort to fight against cancer for not only Dee but for everyone who has been effected by blood cancer. If you would like to contribute to our team, I have provided the link below. All donations are much appreciated! Deanna was and will always be my cousin, best friend, role model, hero and inspiration in everything I do! I love and miss you like crazy!!!!

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.They must be felt with the heart."

https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/FundraisingPage.aspx?registrationID=2618180&langPref=en-CA

MOG #93: Finding and holding on

Nancy just gets it. Beautiful words from a beautiful girl, spoken from experience, with an attitude of change and a heart of gold. Thanks for writing you lovely soul. 

Its funny how things pan out sometimes. When you just stop thinking and worrying, sometimes things just fall into place.  A perfect example of this is how I have wanted to start a blog for the past couple weeks, but didn't have the courage to start one. A day after I told my roommates I wanted to, I get a message from Mary asking me to write something for her blog. It was perfect timing and a great opportunity. My moment of gratitude isn’t one specific thing, but about finding and holding on to the small joys in life. I know it can be hard to take the time to enjoy the small things, especially when you are surrounded by so much chaos in our insanely fast paced lives. But when you can finally take a minute to slow down and take in all the beautiful things to be thankful for, your life will slowly brighten up. I’m not saying I am some sort of inspirational guru, I get down and finding the positive in life wasn't and still isn’t always easy for me. Waking up with the weight of the world on my shoulders and my heart racing was a common occurrence for me, but I am thrilled to say that this summer things have changed. Most mornings I wake up with a sense of calm, I feel refreshed in a way. I start thinking about all the small things I am so grateful for, like my room in my student house, waking up to a “good morning beautiful” text from a man who has put a permanent smile on my face, getting to come home to the most wonderful roommates after long day of class and having the strongest mother to turn to everyday. I am not perfect, I have really bad days, and I understand that it’s hard to pick out the positive in life when you feel so overwhelmed with the negative. Even though five good things may have happened to you today that one negative has outweighed all the good.  The one thing that helps me get through those really horrible, terrible bad days is the idea that everything happens for a reason. I truly believe in this notion, you may not be able to figure out what the reason is right away but eventually, when you stop thinking about how sad you are you will have stumbled upon the reason without even realizing it.  Once you have found that reason, hold onto it and never let it go, because the next time something bad may happen to you holding on to that past reason will give you hope that one-day things might just make sense.