MOG #21: Through and through

So for a while I had a theory that I didn't want to accept MOG's from strangers. This was because I just have too many people I want to write first before I let strangers or friends of friends post. I really like having something to say about each contributor, writing those spiels and coming up with titles gives me a sense of ownership that I think is necessary when managing a collaborative blog. That's why some posts take longer to come up than others- I want to hand pick the words that frame the introductions, like an author's biography at the back of a novel, I just want readers to see you all in the remarkable way I see you. So today when Katie told me her friend Sean had written a post I was hesitant to even accept it- would his post be taking the place of one of my friends or family? I discussed it a bit with my roommates; they understood the level of personal connotation that comes with managing this blog, but as much as I could convince them, I couldn't convince myself. If someone takes the time to read our entries and then stops what they're doing to write their own, how could I be so selfish as to even think of not publishing it? So the rule is, that I won't be opening up an e-mail account soon; it's just too early to get MOGs from souls I may never met, but it's not too early to befriend that friend of a friend on Facebook and get acquainted before posting their words here. So that's what I did, and turns out Sean and I have mutual friends, interests and experiences. Just the beginning of our friendship and just the first page of his story that we all get to read. I had to remind myself that this blog isn't for me- it's for you. It's for us. This post, is for Sean. 

            Winter can be a stressful time for people.  I’ve seen it all around.  And it recently hit home for me.  Ending for Winter break 2013 and transitioning into the New Year was probably the lowest of the low I’ve ever felt.  I happened to make an on a whim decision I told myself never to make during a time where other outside forces like school and finals were about to come my way.  I began to obsess over it and try to balance my anxiety at the same time as completing finals.  What happened you ask?  Well earlier this year I got a tattoo on my shoulder.  Something I knew I had wanted for about two years.  I always wanted tattoos.  This one was very special to me, representing my love for my analysis of my past, present and future.  It was a self expression to show my love of nature and love of the idea of direction in life.  I had a great summer and fall in 2013.  I began work at Rodman Hall.  This art gallery was where I met some of the most supportive people in all of my time spent in the visual arts field.  I found a new love working with kids, and felt like I was finally on the path to a future I was going to be happy with.  Come fall I also rekindled my lost skill for painting and started playing music again daily.  By the time this tattoo was complete all of this history now remained on my arm. 

            At the beginning of December I decided I wanted another but it was not as thought out as much.  The artist took some artistic liberty and a good piece of my skin was then inked with something I was not happy looking at.  The anxiety over the tattoo led to a finalized decision and new obsession about Tattoo Removal.  This obsession carried many worries about how much ink would come out from my arm, the cost of the procedures that were going to take up the next two years of my life, what lasers were going to be used, and what other people’s results were by the end of their journey.  This obsession drove me into a deep depression.  Thoughts of wanting death began, uncontrollable crying sessions in front of my mother, father, and sister happened.  I felt low, stuck in a hole.  In a dark place about something I did to myself I never wanted to get myself into, all because I didn’t think out my actions the second time around.  Come Boxing Day and a trip to the hospital I was put on meds for anxiety and depression.  As soon as I began my medication, I was able to snap out of it and notice things I used to love. 

            A year before in 2012 I waited for someone. She was a new girl in my life who I had not so much time with because she lived the furthest west you could go across the country.  Boy was she something.  I had seen this beauty in her and knew I was going to wait this small amount of time for her.  She had to take a trip for herself to South America.  After she had returned, she flew me out west to work for her family, see the other side of the country, and just live with her in my life.  For two months I had to wait for her to fly back to Canada though.  I was left in my hometown, already living an extra two years at home to go to college, by that point I just wanted out.  But I found ways to cope.  I walked around my town a lot.  Saw the beauty in the maple trees in people’s yards, felt the cool winds from the beginning of summer on my face, got lost in my music, and just keep looking at the sun and clouds knowing tomorrow would come.  During these walks I thought a lot and during that summer I came home and painted a lot.  A new found talent became something I lived for.  I completed some of the best paintings I’ve ever painted in that 2 month waiting period.  Painting, walking, nature, time in forests, walking familiar streets and seeing the same houses you pass by for hours on end.  These things and appreciations were my life for a long time.  They were my peaceful escape from all my worries and stress.  They remained my therapeutic practises for when I moved back home, then to a newer city to go to University, and even when the time came for her and I to part our ways.

            Back to Christmas now.  After being medicated for the physical reactions to my anxiety and worries, I began to take a new course of action.  My Father and Mother rekindled my ability to look forward and not just backward.   Sure I had made a mistake, something that really hurt me emotionally and mentally.  But now I had to focus on all the old things that made me happy and understand I had other priorities to live my life for.  My dad began going on walks with me.  No longer was it just me now.  We would talk about his life when he was my age and discuss where I’m going with my life.  My mother cried over how proud she was of me.  She was able to view her son’s paintings in a local cafe and began to tear up quite a bit. So many new great things were coming up. 

            A new semester at school means I can now paint again more of what I want to paint and actually have it count towards my education.  I also now have a new term at Rodman Hall and am looking forward to working with all my old friends and co-workers in helping today’s youth be creative and crafty.  This month I was also able to put on an art show with my best friend, brother, and over all ARTner In Crime (yeah you see what I did there) at one of our favourite cafes.  This really showed me what potential I had.  Not just in making art but in getting it out there and being involved in a creative community with other people passionate about art.  Because of all of this, and seeing my mother’s reaction, I am now experiencing what I was in the summer of 2012.  No longer am I stuck.  I am recovering.  I go on a walk everyday on my own, I eat healthier, sleep better, paint every day, and take life one day at a time. 

            To the Future.  My sessions for laser tattoo removal are booked.  I’m very happy with where I’m going and the fact it’s so professional and 10 minutes from my childhood home just makes it even better.  I’m going to keep going home this semester and paint and walk with my father and tell my mother every day how much I love her.  Without her I probably wouldn’t have survived these 21 years.  I’ve decided for fun to make some new changes to counter life’s inevitable change and made some new strategies for staying positive in the process.  TO THE LIST OF REALITY AND POSITIVIE THINKING!

1.       Its just a tattoo, people get them all the time, and I’m not the first to have one I don’t like.
 2.  My new organized life schedule for this semester continues to move me forward and make me even closer with my parents to whom I love very much.
 3. staying positive and laughing about all of this is starting to make more sense and in the long run, I’m still Sean. 
4.  Being Sean means remembering those loves for nature, being outside, playing music, not being afraid to nerd out about your favourite bands, walking with a hop in your step when you’re bored, painting what you want to paint because you love doing it, and knowing that you’re never too far from the people who love you most whether it be friends or family. 

Something I learned from counselling today was that anxiety is weighed by negative thoughts and ability to cope.  If you keep your thoughts positive, it becomes easier to cope.  Keep thinking positive; take pride in what you’ve done, take pride in where you are now, and where you want to go.  We’re all human, and even in through the storms and raging winds, you’ll always be able to find that sunny day for a walk, some good tunes, chats with your father, and things to be thankful for.