There's this one girlfriend I have who I always run into at the times where I need someone the most. She's a friend from home who has a way of putting the pieces of my puzzling dilemenas together into combinations that I never would think could work. I've run into the girl in random stairwells, grocery stores, trains, buses, abandoned hallways, lines for classes.. all at times where I felt like I just needed a familiar face, I could look up and find her's smiling in with a all knowing smile and quiet little wink that's just characteristic of her. These run ins are completely welcome and more appreciated then she'll ever know.Most recently I was in the drive thru at the bank and she happened to walk by my car as soon as I pulled through. Kathleen and I got off to a rocky start in high school, but eventually found that we have a wicked degree of mutual respect for one another. it was like we were being forced to be friends, so much so that we keep running into each other in the most random of places. Her post is the ultimate read for anyone needing to kick old habits. Thank you so much for your submission and I can't wait to read more from you.
It has been 8 years since we first met each other.
In the last 8 years he has taught me an inordinate amount of things for better
and for worse. On the positive side, I have learned about forgiveness, patience,
grace, love, being mindful of my words and my body language and how the male
brain works. On the negative side, I have learned the confusing and frustrating
territory of being close to a guy and the feelings of attraction that can
eventually arise because of that closeness; then the resulting feelings of
inadequacy and devalue that follow with unsettled thoughts and feelings and
muddy lines drawn on the playing field of our friendship.
I have run
the gamut of emotions; from loving him unconditionally to being as close as I could
get to severely disliking him. High school was easier. We saw each other a lot
and shared a lot of life. I have beautiful memories of art class and spending
more time painting pictures with our words then with our paintbrushes. I
remember the hours and hours of phone calls about nothing and everything.
University changed all that. He went first, I followed a year later. He was in
Toronto, I was in St. Catharines. It has been a tangled mess of communication
or lack thereof and periodic face to face encounters since then. It has not
been ideal, though in my head he has been my
ideal for several years because he has been my kryptonite. However on Christmas
break 2013 I came to a realization.
I cannot do this anymore. I cannot be this second choice,
sidelined, back up girl, available whenever he feels like coming back, not
saying anything, not putting up a fight, just going with it. I do not want to
be some sort of second choice. Not for him, and not for anyone. In my
reflection about this realization and subsequent decision I likened it to being
a fish on a hook. As I do with most realizations and personal reflections I
wrote a song about it so I could make sense of what was going on in my mind and
heart. I’m digging that hook out of my
skin. Yes, that is what I am doing. I am not going to need him. I am going
to be my own girl again. If he comes back I will not just let myself get reeled
in. It is about time.
I have wonderful friends and I will probably talk
about them in a future post but for now I will just say that when I started
telling them my resolve to get off his hook and ‘swim away’ I was met by joyous
smiles and hugs. It was exactly what I need(ed) to assure me that I am making
the right decision.
My MOG was when I woke up one day not too long ago,
looked in the mirror and realized that I was well on my way to freedom. I felt
free, the hook and line that had been holding me captive was drawing away.
Actually, it is not the hook and line that is letting me go, I am the one
letting go. It is a good way to started 2014. I’m
digging that hook out of my skin.
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