MOG #50: Consistency, and Courtney

The thing about gratitude is that it's a very deliberate act. You have to recognize it, choose it, feel it. There is a great deal of ownership within the concept. Sometimes it's very hard to decide that and it takes practice to really see it and understand the implications. It's easy to feel grateful when things are great. It's easy to feel gratitude once you realize the abundance of light in your life. It's easy to perpetuate being gracious once you start. But when life inevitably becomes difficult, painstakingly brutal and absolutely unforeseen, it becomes that much harder to see any light, let alone the light of the gratitude.
Yet, it can be done.
The beautiful and selfless Ms. Katie Kolenko just did it.
We met last year when she was leaving for teachers college and I was in need of a room. I knew from the very beginning of my brief time in 134J that I was not meant to fill any shoes;she is irreplaceable. I'm grateful for many things that came out that home; the relationships built with the girls I shared it with, the thoughts that occupied my room, the lessons that came out of moving in and moving on, but I am especially grateful I was able to meet this one. She is a light that is brighter than most. Even in the sunshine, she shines. Here is an MOG from the most kind, generous and strong person, written for someone she has recently lost. Clearly written from a caring and grieving heart that has been touched by an angel. 
My suggestion is to listen to load these songs before you read,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BRdY0NR08g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miOEmyjpLkU


She was a beautiful and shining soul.

For the people we are lucky to meet in our journeys - those who change us in some way, help us grow, inspire us, love us - we should be the most grateful. That is one thing I know to value above nearly everything: the special people you have in your life, ones that have come and gone and ones that are lucky enough to still be in it, and even those who seemed to have barely touched down but almost surely made an impact whether you have noticed yet or not. They are the ones you should demonstrate the most gratitude toward, for whatever length of time their lives intertwine with your own. I place a great deal of importance on experiencing and embracing independence. A relationship with yourself. I enjoy solitary moments probably more often than is good for my social life... but our relationships with others, the efforts we make to engage with one another and celebrate each other and be changed by one another, is what truly brings “life” to this life. So, if those relationships don’t deserve consistent gratitude, I don’t know what does.

I do not have a blog or some public forum of writing; certainly if I did have one, it would not be nearly as inspiring as this one and I don’t mind admitting that one bit. And I do love this blog, and the message it shares daily. I make a conscious effort to think about it on a similarly frequent basis, and today was one of those occasions. I thought about how I was grateful for my best friend and how her own blog and journey of happiness had inspired me a couple mornings ago... MOG 1 through 49 made me realize that it would be completely selfish to keep this gratitude to myself, and not share it with her. I don’t believe in doing positive things or being a “good” person for the result of being noticed and receiving recognition, but I do believe that it is important to let others know they are appreciated, or that they’ve inspired someone/something. That sounds like a contradiction. I don’t mean it to be. The thing is, sometimes you’re lucky enough to realize that you can thank a person or say something to them, like I did today. Other times, you are forced to acknowledge the brutal reality that there are days you are not so lucky, and will not get another opportunity to tell a person something directly, like I was forced to acknowledge one 2-in-the-morning scroll through Facebook, Feb.18.

Funny how the good ones go, too soon, but the good Lord knows the reasons why, I guess. Sometimes the greater plan is kinda hard to understand; right now, it don’t make sense.

I can’t make it all make sense.

The truly lovely founder and writer of this blog, I’ve learned, seems to have the ability to just know when there are emotions in someone that need some tending to. Beyond that, she has the insight to suggest a way in which they may be tended. So she asked if I wanted to write something. She won’t know how much that meant.

I have rambled more than my share already, so I will try to keep future rambling to a minimum. Courtney - who she was, what she’s done, and the legacy she will continue to have - will persist, with or without great detail from me. Friend/Family/Lover/Teacher/Cancer-survivor/Volunteer/Believer/Athlete/Motivator... the list is endless and surpasses the limitation of words.

I met Courtney in Teacher’s College. Oh, did she ever find her perfect profession. She went to OISE and I went to York, and by the connection of our brilliant and beloved teacher, both made the decision to spend our third placement in Kenya, Africa. Three weeks seems like a hardly significant time. But I’m sure many of you can agree, and I know those who were with me on that journey certainly will: it can be of the utmost significance. I have a few favourite memories of Courtney that I almost began to type, but those details I think I will save. Instead, I will say that I remember her as the girl with whom I began my journey at our campsite by making our very first interactions with our young Kenyan neighbours - her, initiating, slowly and carefully bridging physical distance, enticing laughter and smiles through silly dance moves that were echoed back to us from across the field, thus symbolizing the beginning of new relationships and life experiences. I remember her as the girl I sat with under the wide expanse of night sky on one of the very first nights, finding our constellations hidden behind the clouds, with the help of our stargazing app. I remember her as the girl who I had just begun to know, and yet already remembered tiny seemingly insignificant facts about me, and came rushing to find me the moment she spotted my very favourite Ursa Major and, as she witnessed my reaction, amazed me by mirroring my excitement in her own face. I remember her as the girl who repeatedly made me stop in my tracks in amazement, as I found her taking the time to connect with people with such ease, in a way I sometimes forgot to, often didn’t know how to. I remember her as the girl who shared my apprehensions of coming back to our typical reality, and understood and felt things I didn’t need to describe. I remember her as so much, and I am grateful for every bit of memory whether mental, written, or photographed I possess of her. I am also deeply and exceedingly grateful for the rest of our group, who were there to hold hands with and share pain and love with, as we said goodbye together to her physical self last weekend, taking solace in the fact that we understood each other and our emotions. Their presence whether it is near or far is something I so severely rely on whether they realize it or not.

~

Courtney was (note: the distinction between was/is will forever be strange and painful) a genuine, shining light of a human being. She radiated kindness, love, thoughtfulness, generosity, humbleness, and a true passion for helping others. She was being the change, she was making a difference. She will continue to inspire me daily, in so many ways.

So long, my friend. Until we meet again.

My heart is devastated that you've left us far too soon; we love you Courtney.