MOG #61: For the youngings

Fourth year brings about a wave of nostalgia- there isn't a day where I don't look back on these past few years and think of how far I/we've come. So, it only makes sense to reminisce. Tonight I went through my Facebook and found a note that I had way back before I graduated high school. I wrote it for some of my favourite people- all of whom happened to be younger than me because I wanted them to know that I thought they were cool.

As I read this letter a few things happened, a) I laughed at how much like myself I sounded like, clearly I haven't changed much, b) I remembered who I was writing to- both to these kids, but also for myself. This note was deliberate. I wanted to remember how I felt in that moment and to time stamp my thoughts was one way to do that, c) I took my own advice to heart, which was exactly what I needed tonight and d) this is everything I would want to say to all my friends graduating this year. Besides, of course, congrats guys- you did it (almost!!!) 
So here, while I feel I am tiptoeing around narcissism, I am grateful for reflection. I am grateful that I told these kids these words because I'm still close with several of them and they're not kids anymore, but my peers, and still some of my favourite people. I am grateful for my grade 12 self. I am grateful that I said thank you to these people- for if nothing else, nothing was left unsaid. 
"Hey team, 

I just wanted to take a second to have a little chat with you. With Grad looming, everything has been coming full circle and I feel like if I don't dispense this new found wisdom now, I'll loose it. So here we go. 

You've been tagged in this note for several reasons. In some way, shape or form you have had a direct impact on my life. A combination of your personality traits and actions have left me in awe. Working with younger students such as yourselves has been so rewarding; and every day I am more and more sure of the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life working with youth. I just wanted to give a general statement of what I've learned throughout high school. I'll probably stop you in the hallways and give you a huge, tear filled rant on how awesome you are at some point, but for now this will suffice. 

You know how some people say "I hope you never loose sight of your dreams?"; I don't wish that for you. I wish you a life- a real, rich and wonderful life. (Not that I'm never going to see you all again- I'm just thinking long term here). Anyway, I hope you understand that sometimes dreams change. Life happens, and sometimes you loose your way. That's okay. You're allowed to make your own mistakes. Realizing those mistakes and moving forward is one of the greatest joys life can give. Granted, it may seem like things just absolutely suck, but you'll figure it out. Ultimately, I wish you a life with purpose, success and love. You all deserve this. 

Keep it positive. It's a hell of a lot easier. Just go for what will bring your happiness. And please, never let anyone stand in the way of your happiness. Whether this be in a relationship, between friends, peers or just human beings in general. Don't let other people control you. Get to know yourself; figure out what you like and dislike. In the end, the only one you can fully rely on is you. 

And on this note, you don't have to be perfect. So much of my high school I did this, and it really wasn't worth it. Perfect doesn't get the laughs; perfect doesn't appreciate the messy, perfect won't hold your hand when you anything but perfect. Set high standards for yourself and those around you, but never hold either to this abstract ideal of perfection. That'll set you up for a life of anger. 

Movin on! A common phrase I've heard throughout these past for years always finds its way into big talks like this. "People suck". It makes me laugh that humanity can be so... silly I guess is the word. When it comes to dealing with those around you that are not animals or UFOs, all I have to say is this quote I found.. "Appreciate your parents. Laugh with your friends. Acknowledge strangers. Play with little ones. Respect elders. Be yourself". That'll get you through a lot. 

Remember that there will be people who are better or worse than or equal to you in some ways, but they'll never be YOU. Stay grounded. Remember you're one person who deserves the world, but so does everyone else. 

Befriend staff members at cc- not only will you score sweet perks, but the life lessons you'll get from them are unreal. Prime example- Mrs. G--in guidance; most ballin' lady I know. So chill, yet so motivational. Whenever I feel "off",  I usually go to talk to her. 

Respect and be polite everyone you meet. You never know who you're talking to. But at the same time, don't be afraid to be a little obnoxious at times :P Don't stand for bullshit. Sorry for the language; but you're worth more than that. Fight for what you believe in, but again, keep it respectful. Choose your battles- is something really worth loosing your cool over? Give yourself value, set high standards- that way you're "second best" will end up being really good by society standards. And don't allow yourself to be involved with those who can't meet said standards. I'm not saying be a pompous creep and think you're better than them; I'm just saying don't waste your time. You've got so much more to do in this world than worry about silly adolescent trials. Don't stop. Remember who you are. 

Speaking of yourself, don’t forget about your body. Love your body. Yes, it will change; maybe for the better or maybe for the worst, but it’s yours. Own it. Cherish it. Use it. Most of all, take care of your heart. If someone comes along who is worth your time, you'll know.

Lastly, take time. That sounds weird, but in my opinion, time is the greatest mystery of all. I guess I'm trying to say something along the lines of take it all in. Reflect, rejoice, celebrate, chill, sleep, run, do what makes you, you. “Everything will be okay in the end and if it’s not okay then it’s not the end.” 

This advice all sounds pretty simple and even point blank to me (Duhhhh, Mary); but in all honesty, simplicity is the way to go. 
I hope you search and question; grow and change, accept and defy, listen and speak, love and be loved. I have so much respect for each and every one of you. I see so much potential in each and every one of you. I wish nothing but the best for each and every one of you. If you ever feel useless, incompetent, lame or just plain down; please remember that at least one person in this place thinks so highly of you. You give me hope not only is this school in good hands, but the world is too. 
Thank you for inspiring me. I am a better girl for knowing you all."

MOG #60: Can't wait

"I can't wait to see you"

Isn't that just the best phrase to hear? Isn't that also the best phrase to say? I love how the delayed, anticipated urgency; the personal conversation from the 'I' to the 'you', the idea of 'seeing' as in finally interacting. It's just a great phrase. Today I realized just how often those words seep into my daily rhetoric- I said it to at least five people, but I meant it every time.

Someone said this week, "wow you're a really good person" and I'm not one of those people that can't take a compliment, but I also am not one to sing my praises to the masses, but I will say that my response of "I'm just surrounded by good people" has really stuck with me.

Truly, I am surrounded by bright, energetic, caring and funny people in so many capacities. You know that phrase, "people enter your life for a reason, season or a lifetime"? between my family, those who are practically family, my main girls, those once in a while yet once in a life time friends, those kids, these newer friendships from this year, my coworkers, group project members, mentors, professionals, that one guy I can't get enough of, customer service staff who have come to know my coffee order, friendships that have lasted over the past four years, between the two cities I have called "home" and I will even go as far to say I meet good people on a daily basis, all of which boils down to this:  I am so lucky to be surrounded by good people and even though I knew this, taking a minute to count the literal blessings that come in the form of humans in my life have made me realize how good I have it.

And I can't forget to mention you guys- this community of gratitude seekers. Thank you. Thank you for believing in this blog which is very much a part of me now, especially the last few days (for reasons I'll explain soon), and thank you for seeing this blog as something that also isn't only just ME- Mary. Thank you for seeing that this blog is YOUR blog too, and there are so many YOURS in this equation that this blog is OUR blog. These are both YOUR stories and the stories of other and mine as well and together WE are creating something very, very cool. If two minds are better than one, than a couple minds a real force to be reckoned with. Since we found that anything could happen, anything could. I am verging on sounding like a happy go lucky hippy. Ah, heck, let this outpour of community appreciation be documented; y'all are the best. You keep me going; you keep this blog going and I hope the blog does the same for you and that you always keep moving, keep moving forward, keep on keepin on.

I can't wait to see you all and the words you think are worth sharing. 

"Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken"
Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

MOG #59: Brighter Days

You've met my friend Matt before.

He was one of the first people who jumped on board with MOGs. In all sincerity, I knew this was going to be a real thing when this guy told me that I was on the verge of something good. I can't remember exactly what he said, but I did just scroll through my phone to see if I could retrace that conversation from December but in an attempt to clear my mind sometimes I delete all the conversations from it.  I haven't done that since January 8th apparently, and between then and now we've had a few messages back and forth; about school, about friends, about the blog, about relationships, about how one time I was accidentally stranded in Niagara Falls (I may or may not have missed my stop between heavily staring at my hone and nodding off) and he was the only person I knew who would be around and then this guy drives half an hour of his way to save this damsel in sleep deprived stress. He also shared the blog with another individual, who has now become one of my most anchoring friends. In short, I think the world of this guy. Even when he says sarcastic comments in seminar that intentionally disrupt the flow; even when he tells me my optimism is smothering (but it's okay because sometimes it really is and then we talked about the movie SuperBad so that got much better) and even when we don't talk at all, I think the world of him. Especially today, when I was in the middle of writing an essay that just wasn't coming together and should have been given a break anyways instead of trying to make it work- he messages me this MOG. Sometimes life hands you exactly what (or who) you need, and sometimes you get a Moment of Gratitude when you figure why it (or they) happened (to you).

“Happiness hit [me] like a train on a track”

This morning, as is the trend this semester, I found myself pulling yet another all-nighter to finish an assignment that could have easily been done earlier in the week, or even earlier in the day for that matter. Anyway, so after finishing this presentation.. script.. thing.. without reading it over, I had a coffee and ate a McDonalds’ breakfast at 6:30am, the latter of which I never do. Why McDonalds today? I don’t even know. I guess lately I’ve just hit a point where I’m really “whatever” about everything. I’m just sick of winter, I had one of those ridiculous, heavy relationship talks at like 4am which is always bogus, I’m over school, and as if I haven’t garnered enough pathos from your little hearts, I was in a car accident last week and totaled the front of my car, so I’ve been kind of trapped at home for the last few days. The point is, today I was feeling very “bleh.”

            So, like I’ve been doing for the past week, I left 15 minutes earlier than usual to take my dad to work (as if leaving at 7:20am wasn’t early enough already, gross.), and took our SUV to school for yet another 8am class. Like I said, I’m done with winter, and I’m done with school. I’m all about my iPod, it’s basically been an extension of my body since I was about 12 years old. So when I realized I’d forgotten it at home, I was kinda irked. Chalk up another one against this day. But today was nice. It’s warm out. Spring is coming. I took a detour to avoid the highway and rolled comfortably down backstreets for as long as possible, and put on the radio. The Edge is great, but I barely ever listen anymore. I don’t know why, there’s upbeat songs all the way to school, just to keep me in a pleasant mood. The sunrise looked beautiful, everything seemed fresh and calm. Just really peaceful. Spring is coming.

                        Then, as I make the last turn to Brock, I see a rainbow (too effeminate? Whatever) faintly standing out against the clouded grey sky, and “Dog Days Are Over” comes on through the car speakers. Go listen to it, it just amps you up. If you know me (which I’m sure none of you do, so I’ll just tell you), you’ll know that I’m a big fan of when a song hits you just right. That’s what this was. Yes, I know that “dog days” refers to the end of summer, but cut me some slack on what type of days are over, alright? Winter is coming to a close and I just got so amped and happy about being able to feel it this morning that I started beating the centre console of the car along with the song with this irrepressible sense of happiness.

That’s what life’s about. It’s about those moments where you’re able to cast your negativity aside because it just doesn’t matter. It’s about those moments where you know that you’re alive because you feel it so deep down inside of you that you couldn’t possibly deny it. The feeling of rejuvenation, that sense of newness that comes with spring is one of the best feelings in the world. It’s like the shackles of a cold, bitter season have been cast off, or some other kind of clichéd metaphor that speaks to you. As sleep deprived and stressed as ever, I felt alive today because this morning was just a beautiful thing to witness, and that was enough. This morning just felt like the world was telling me “everything’s gonna be okay.” How could I not believe it?

                                           Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a nap.

MOG #57: Constant

Alex sent me a a message the other day saying she wrote an MOG. It was just about the time where I was going to message her and say I had written one too. We had written about our admiration and respect for each other. Talk about twin telepathy. Her's will be up shortly, but for now, here are some of the kindest words I've ever encountered 

Sometimes, when you’ve been friends with someone for a long time, you start to take them for granted. You assume they know how important they are to you, and you go about your business, putting off a “thank you”, “miss you” or “love you” until tomorrow because you know that you can.  I guess today I’ve decided not to put it off, and express my gratitude for my very best friend, Mary. 

Mary and I have been friends for thirteen years. When you say it out loud it’s a little crazy to think about. For thirteen years, I have looked to my right to find her. Since we were 9, I have known that she was only a mere phone call, text message, facebook post, 2-minute drive or 10-minute jog away.  This distance grew only slightly and only physically when we left for different universities 4 years ago, at which point we would be separated by a whopping 40-minute drive to St. Catherines.  Though this distance may have allowed for more time to pass between phone calls, we both knew that we could always come home to one another. 

I have never truly appreciated the ease in which Mary and I remain so close. We have gone weeks without a text message but never do I doubt our friendship. This is one of the elements of our relationship that reinforce the notion that we are not only friends, but are more like sisters.  Much like a relationship that you may have with a family member, you know that neither distance nor inconsistent communication can alter your relationship with one another. 

On Friday, Mary made the trip to see me in Hamilton and I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful to have her in my life. Much like having a 6^th sense, Mary and I can usually tell when the other person may be going through a bit of a rough patch or may be on the verge of a mental break down. So Mary packed a bag, got on a bus and made her way over. As soon as she arrived it was like the pressures of the looming final month of my undergraduate degree, an impending job hunt and people who just don’t get it, all just seemed to melt away.  I remembered that even if everything in my life seems to be slipping through my fingers and I’m really not sure of anything, I can always be sure of Mary. She is the constant in my life that I can count on having until we’re old ladies singing Brittany Spears in a nursing home. 

So, in short, I’m grateful for Mary. I’m grateful for trips to Wal-Mart, Target, and Sushi. I’m excited for concerts, Jays games, NYC, Italy (again), to stand beside you in a yellow dress on your wedding day and every other little thing we get to do together as the years continue to pass by.  Love you, Mare. 

Camp Bébeuf

Grade 8 (2006)    

MOG #56: All the ways, always

When I started this project, I knew that my life would change, and I was really excited to see what would happen next. It's been three months and I've noticed that changes have happened in my rhetoric, my conversations and my outlook on life, but I've also noticed changes in my friends. I don't mean to say that this blog is life changing or the best thing ever, but I think, truly believe and can testify that gratitude is life changing, and the best thing ever. I got to meet one of my favourite souls ever over the past few weeks, and it's because of this blog; a very good friend of mine shared it with her, and we happened to be in much closer parameters than she and I thought. To think, that we would have finished this year not getting to know the connection we have and I wouldn't have yet another fantastic person in my life. I really like Catie. I like her energy and her mindset and her outlook and her daily perseverance to keep her head up. She is a very dedicated in more ways than just school or work- she is dedicated to life. She is a student of this 'school of life'- she is always trying to learn, analyze and absorb all the information that she can and I have no doubt that her findings are both worthwhile, but also beneficial.
She also just started a wonderful blog; detoxthesoul.com, which you should  immediately go check out as soon as you're done reading her equally wonderful words. Both of which are a testament in her efforts to lead a fruitful life and she is doing that everyday.
A few days ago I hit another low-point in my life situation. Feeling a little more out of place than usual, being at home just wasn't the place I wanted to be most days. I was feeling a little less than a family member and a little more a cab driver with barely a "thank you" in return.

I live my life filled with gratitude, especially living out the idea that I should be thanking others for who they are and what they do. And being surrounded by a family that has lost track of such an idea, it gets to be difficult, but we get by as any other loving family does. I can feel myself choking up, my face burning, and the tears building up in my eyes as I type this because I can't thank my father enough for what he has done for me. He has always been remotely the only one to understand and to accept me for who I am.

I think the best way to handle this would be through some sort of confessional letter so, here it goes:

Dad, thank you for being my rock. It's weird to think that you've been with me my entire life but I've only existed for half of yours. And within that time, you have been the most significant person in shaping the lady I have become and still growing to be. I know you blame yourself for the things the struggles I've gone through but what you should really be doing is patting yourself on the back for being patient and kind because I know how difficult parenting can be - especially having a daughter such as myself. 

Truthfully, it's the little things that you've done that have impacted me so much. Like when you drove me to and from therapy back in high school and would ask me how it went, what we talked about, how I'm feeling, etc., or when you texted me every day without fail asking 'How are you?' when I moved away from home back in 1st Year, when you used to bring home large O'Henry chocolate bars solely for me when I was in elementary school, helping me redecorate my room and painstakingly put up the wallpaper that I just had to have, or letting me cry in your arms even until now. But the most significant thing that you had done for me dates all the way back to when I was in 1st grade: you volunteered to be a parent supervisor for a school trip to African Lion Safari and you bought me a necklace that had pink beads and little giraffes hanging on it. I was 6 years old then and believe it or not, I've kept it for all these years. It probably didn't mean much back then because well, you always get your kids something but its very sentimental now because it reminds me of that spectacular day we spend together with my classmates and just the act of you having volunteered to be there was amazing in and of itself. Dad, I know you're upset now, knowing that I'm moving out soon but I promise I will always be your little girl. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I love you.

I had been fighting back tears this entire time and only now am I willing to let them flow down my face. I really can't thank my Dad enough and I am so much looking forward to the coming years as our relationship as father and daughter continues to flourish.

To put it in a few words: thank you for being you.