Hello 2015

WOW LONG TIME NO TALK EH? 

I don’t want to say that I’m sorry for not posting for a while; I want to explain why. Now that we have all settled comfortably into 2015, my hope is that we can leave everything that 2014 taught us- good, bad, sparkly- in last year’s entries and keep moving forward.

So where I have been for the past few months? Well…

I tried yoga. I gave up on running. I went to Target far too many times. I told people about the blog; I was found through the blog. I cried about the blog because sometimes it felt like too much to do and that I was letting someone (you, him, her, me) down. I sat on the beach and cried. I crumpled on my bed and cried. I got into a car accident. I cried then, too. I got stopped by a snowstorm so I couldn’t drive to give another talk about the blog. That was the definition of discouragement.

I bought a cake and ate it in the bathtub. I met Grace Helbeig (!!!). I wrote a song. I fell in love- hard, quickly, with intention and with no doubt, only to stumble out of it later, left feeling scathed, but understanding, and more hollow than anything.

I was angry. I hated so many things about so many things. I carr(y)ied a journal with me everywhere. I was yelled at. I yelled back. I lied. I can’t even tell you how many times I said ‘deep breaths’; ‘one thing at a time’ or ‘I’mgoodhowareyou?’.

I sat on the roof of a car with a head in my lap and thought it could never get any better than that. I wrote. I erased. I traced his mouth with my own words and believed it was the right thing to do. I looked into eyes that would later look away. You don’t know distance until you share a space with someone who is falling out of love with you.

I made plans to meet a publisher. I cancelled.

I learnt the phrases ‘root down’, ‘set back’, ‘assessment’ and ‘synronicitiy’. I looked for threes all the time. I waved goodbye and hugged the good to see yous.

I stood in classrooms and presented material that I thought I could never understand. I was called by my last name. I practiced, stayed up late, was usually five to ten minutes late to commitment I made and that’s just the type of person I am. Whoops.

I drank champagne. I read old journals, essays, newspaper articles, stories, tumblr posts. I taught. I planned. I cried at school too (I cry a lot). I reached out to those I never thought I could reach again and they were right there were we left off. I listened to the same songs over so many times.

I switched schools for my final year of study, not to my likening, but it ending up being for my benefit. I moved home and spent time with my family again. I created new rituals of going to Target with one particular, beautiful, old friend; we got closer than ever. I drank so much Strawberry Rose tea that I got sick. I gained 20 pounds at one point. Stress, hibernation, not dealing with feeling.  I lost another 20 in a two-week period a few months later. Spite, sadness, letdowns and not feeling with what I was dealt.

I talked a friend down from coming off the edge- metaphorically and literally. I spent days in the arms of loved ones when I didn’t know what to do with myself. I cuddled the crap out of my nephew because he finally grew up of the hating Mary stage and into the being pals stage. I worked my butt off. I would come home from summer days and not move until 2am- zoned out on my computer, thinking that this was living felt like. I spent so much screen time and not enough time screening those I interacted with.

I thought about what it all meant: researching, feeling, thinking, absorbing… but more often than not, I was looking for dots to connect in all the wrong places.

At some point, someone told me this…

Breathe in, breathe out. Inhale, exhale. Take a breath in, hold it, hold it, hold it, exhale-and-notice-how-it-feels-to-let-go-of-the-things-that-no-longer-serve-you. Breathe in, breathe out.

I learned what it felt like to let go.

In short, when I wasn’t paying attention to the blog, I was paying attention to my choices, intentions and surroundings. I’ve mentioned this a few times, but I know that even though I’m not active here, this concept- this universal concept of Gratitude- is alive and well and beating in my own heart, and I hope it is pumping in yours as well.
I always asked for two (or more) pieces of paper when we got to draw in art or whatever. I wanted the rough copy, then the good one, but I wanted the opportunity to have both of them ready first.  I wanted the space to make mistakes and to plan and to show my work. Maybe that’s what this first year was; I was planning, and making mistakes and showing my work.

If anything, Gratitude is all about chances: the chance to recognize, the chance to recoil and the chance to reciprocate.

This is my recoil. Let’s spring together.

*  *  * 

So now that that’s over! Let’s talk about what this new year will look like! 
(You can listen to this while you read if you'd like. I prefer the Glee version but whatever floats your musical boat.) 
 

1. #GRATITUESDAY
- New posts every Tuesday, written by me OR YOU J This is a really exciting and witty thing and Tuesdays just got a whole lot cooler.

2. Blog Make-over
- Have you noticed that the official name for this place is now mymomentsofgratitude.com?! No more .blogspot.com (but I still love you, blogger!!) Thanks to our good friend Dave Birch for this incredible gift.
The rest of this place will be getting a youtube-guru worthy do-over too.Give this one time though, but I’m welcome to any and all feedback you can give! (mymomentsofgratitude@gmail.com) 

3. Authenticity and Vulnerability 
- If the words don’t flow, they will not be forced. If it’s not coming from an authentic/honest/earnest place, it will not be posted. Bam.

I shall post the first post of 2015 next week. I have it sitting in a word document right beside me, but I’m going to hold off. Can you feel the anticipation?!? It’s killing me. It’s mog-ing me. Ha, clever.

As always, thank you for reading. Please reach out and back if you have something to share. There are so many wonderful souls waiting to interact with ones like yours, I promise.